Ah, revenge! The tears well up in my eyes just thinking about what could be done to the bastards that are encountered in everyday life. I wish I could boast that I have executed many a-fiendish plot against the multitude of enemies that I have acquired over the years. Sadly, I am more of a “plotter” than a “doer.” My problem is that I have entire Home Alone movie’s worth of revenge scenarios that I could play out at any time, but I lack the guts, motivation or means. I also think that I tend to lean more toward “vengeance” than revenge, as the people I would want to inflict harm or inconvenience on probably don’t realize that they’ve done something wrong to me. Like those silly bastards with the “W04” bumper stickers who think they’re so smart. Every time I see one of those, I would be willing to risk bodily harm to myself and my car just to run them into a guardrail, but can you imagine the paperwork afterward? I wouldn’t have the guts to admit that was the reason either, I would blame a stray cat or a plastic bag that floated across my windshield.
In recent memory, the one time I could have done something actually revengeful, I had waited too long and the opportunity passed. My deaf brother-in-law was living in the apartment above me when he came home one night to find his parking spot had already been taken by an unknown perp (I say perp because I’m pretty sure they were buying drugs from a neighbor). He had asked me to call a tow truck, but the tow company couldn’t do anything because there was no sign posted at the time. I knocked on a couple of doors, but no one owned up to it. Since I couldn’t do anything productive I thought, “What would be the most inconvenient thing I could do to these scumbags?” My answer came to as if from a dream: Screws in the tires. It’s so simple yet so ingenious! Now stick with me. I’m not one to condone petty vandalism to another person’s car. To key a car makes no statement, other than some jackass knows how to scratch things. My car was keyed once at the mall and I didn’t really care and never got it fixed. What was the point? It was just a couple of white marks in the passenger side, not like I had to see it everyday. And it was a Cavalier, not a Lexus, who would notice? However, nothing is more inconvenient than a flat tire. Add to that the fact that screws would be put into all four tires, so they don’t know when or where it would happen or if it would happen at the same time. Doubly inconvenient is the fact that you (normally) cannot just patch the hole like you could with a nail. A screw is so fucked up and barby that it usually ruins the tire, thusly forcing my victim to have to buy all new tires! Brilliant! I thought, this would be my time to shine, oh you are a sly girl indeed! But with all the maniacal hand rubbing, shifty eyes and rummaging of my tool box for loose screws, I missed my window of opportunity and the perps left without ever knowing the hell I could have put them through. So I implore you: Don’t hesitate! Whatever revenge situation that may come your way, grab it with everything you’ve got, act swiftly and run like hell! I may not be much of a revengist, but you can learn from my mistakes. My opportunity has passed, but you can make your own legacy.
No comments:
Post a Comment